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Where I am in Life

As the years go by (and mind you, with increasing velocity as you age), I have always taken extraordinary actions to ensure that every encounter with another fellow traveller in this lifetime is worthwhile.  I love the thought of how I can be so contagious in life.  Like a disease, a wildfire, or a yawn.  To be able to send ripples of laughter and feel the warmth of someone smiling back. To be able to lift somebody's spirits even just for a brief moment.  The feeling of a warm hug...only to figure out that that same warmth you felt came from you warming the one who hugged you.  To be able to comfort by just silently sitting beside a friend in need.  To offer a tear of joy or pain for someone without saying anything at all. For me, these are the most priceless chances of showing that being alive is such an amazing and wonderful thing. Even when everything around you is dark and bleak. Even if life has struck you off course.

Forging to continue living our lives, we always have a choice.  Strangely, life makes us believe we do have a choice how we live our lives.  But, as it unfolds infront of us, we actually don't have a choice at how things go.  The choice lies at how we respond to changes as so many things are thrown at us by life at different angles.  That is the Choice. 

Have you ever taken a moment or two to see where you are at in life? Have you ever pondered how far or near you have come?  I'm sure everybody has at one point in time or another.  I am even positive that most people ponder about these things as often as I do. Majority simply do not want to admit it. No matter how lightly you want to take life, you still want to value life (yours or someboady else's) and make it worth your while.  So where are you in your life right now?  Are you at a most crucial and trying crossroad of your life? Or are you taking a coffee break? Gathering the strength to finish this particular leg of the journey?  Can't wait to exhale? Just about to buckle down and collapse? Or simply still sitting back in your chair enjoying the sun either rise or set?

I would like to believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life right now.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life.  Everything just seems to open up with this thought.  I can complain about how so many bad things have happened to me and wish I could have lived a different life. But I choose not to.  Because this is my life and no body else's.  There is no where else I would like to be right now than here. Just right here.   

This book I read...

I was just about done unpacking and settling in my new room when this book, among the thousands in my aunt's enormous personal library, caught my attention. It was as if someone deliberately handed it to me. "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" Wow, after all I have been through in this crazy life, it's exactly what I need right now. I dust it off as it must have been years since someone last read it. Kushner, the author,writes about the many questions one asks and explores the answers when bad things happen to people and how they deal with God and think about Him amidst the crisis. Though only 149 pages long, I read one chapter a night since each chapter tapped into the corners of my heart that were soaked heavily with tears. At the end of each chapter, my heart felt as if, little by little, self realization squeezed out my soaked heart, relieved, as tears flowed out. Sad, lonely tears at times, tears of relief, of yearning and then finally tears of hope. He slowly helped me open my heart, after being beaten up by life's adversitied, and reach out to face life again with God in your heart. Lovely book for people who are just about to give up because they have been hit hard by life. 

"And what about your prayers?, I asked her. Were they left unanswered? You faced a situation that could easily have left you a bitter and withdrawn woman, jealous of the intact families around you, incapable of responding to the promise of being alive. Somehow that did not happen. Somehow, you found the strength not to let yourself be broken. You found the resiliency to go on living and caring about things. Like every one of us at one time or another, you faced a scary situation, prayed for help, and found out that you were a lot stronger, and a lot better able to handle it, than you ever would have thought you were.In your desperation, you opened your heart in prayer, and what happened?You didn't get a miracle to avert a tragedy. But you discovered people around you, and God beside you, and strength within you to help you survive the tragedy. I offer that as an example of a prayer being answered."

A Prayer

"God, I have no claims on You and nothing to offer You. You have already given me more than I had any right to expect. There is only one reason for my turning to You now --- because I need You. I am scared; I have to face up to something hard tomorrow, and I am not sure I can do it alone, without You. God, you once gave me reason to believe that I was capable of making something of my life. If You mean it, then You had better help me now, because I can't handle this alone."  from "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" by Harold Kushner

From Ren's Angels

I have recently been keeping in touch with Ren's friends...now I realize that Ren left me with his angels...thanks so much for all the support...kayo pala mga iniwan ni Ren to watch over me...somehow I can hear Ren trying to comfort me with your words...through his friends...

From Bong, my new friend:

i undrstand wat ur goin thru right nw. its kinda hard to make sense of what seems to b `tragic` but please hold on to God. let Him b d source of ur strength. offer to Him ur agony, hatred and doubts...and i believ He will help u move on. God wil make u complete agen just trust him. (im sori if im soundin as if i rili knw u. but honestly i care for u. mayb God and ren whisperd to me to send u message. i beliv ur surounded by pipol hu suport u. and im 1 of dem nw)
ren wants u to b hapi. u may nt hav enuf time to b togethr on earth but ul mit agen somwer...somhow.

stay in luv w ren and hold on to ur faith in God. :)

Moving Words from FATHER TEX

I would like to share moving words I received from Father Tex.  He is Ren's friend and now my friend as well. I see Ren in every one of his friends...and I am grateful for all your support...Thank you...

"yes. . just focus now on the good things that happen in your life. that's one way of moving on. . .let go of the past. learn to forgive ren for leaving you behind, even god for taking ren away from you. .let god manage your life now. . you still have god's gift of life that is worth living. . remember that before you knew ren, god first gave you the gift of life. .so live it to the full. .you still have reason to live life meaningfully, no longer for ren but for god-the giver of life." -Father Tex

Memories

I turn off the lights, slip in between the sheets, lay down my head on the pillow, and hope I get to sleep well tonight. I close my eyes with memories of his belly button, the warmth of his skin against mine, his funny looking ingrown toenail, and the view of his long curly eyelashes as I lay my head on his chest and gaze up to see his face...a tear falls on the pillow...and I doze off to sleep....The end of another day. And when I wake up the following morning, I whisper to myself..."I made it through yesterday...now all I have to do is just live through today..." Little baby-steps...one day at a time...yesterday might not have been the best of what I could have done for a day's worth but to survive each day without giving into the dark side is good enough for me. For now.

As I drive to my review class, I see nursing students clad in their pristine white uniforms hailing for a jeepney ride, almost late for duty, I assume...then I remember my baby...imagining how he would be waiting for the right jeepney that would bring him to his next hospital duty, white uniform and black messenger bag strapped across his chest...or the light blue scrub suit he wore for his obstetric rotation...a teardrop manages to roll down my cheeks as I turn left into the review class driveway...

I review a lecture on Diabetes Mellitus...and I remember how I edited his Diabetes powerpoint report...and helped him understand the concepts of insulin insufficiency...I see him nod, smile and say "ang galing naman ng baby ko..." Tears start to blur my vision and I struggle to finish the video...

Taking my lunch break, I stare out my car window...hearing my voice...my dad on the phone...telling him that Ren has just passed away...I sob and sob...struggling to finish each word..."wala na si Ren, Dad...Patay na si Ren!" A teardrop falls on the sliced mango I am eating for lunch...then I wipe my cheeks to dry the tears as walk towards my review class again...

It seems that the memories of him are so vivid. Everytime I remember him, it seems that I want to squeeze every minute detail of his being. Why do these pleasant memories of him bring so much pain in my heart? How am I holding up? How do you hold up with memories of him?

I do hope that one day, his memories...my memories of him, will only bring joy and a smile across my face...shouldn't it be that way?

sa kanya

Namulat ako at ngayo'y nag-iisa Pagkatapos ng ulan Bagama't nakalipas na ang mga sandali Ay nagmumuni kung ako'y nagwagi Pinipilit mang sabihin na ito'y wala sa akin Ngunit bakit hanggang ngayon, nagdurugo pa rin Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya At sa hatinggabi ay nag-iisa na lang Ay minamasdan ang larawan mo At ngayo'y bumalik nang siya'y kapiling pa Alaala ng buong magdamag Kung sakali man isipin na ito'y wala sa akin Sana'y dinggin ang tinig kong nag-iisa pa rin Sa kanya pa rin babalik sigaw, ng damdamin Sa kanya pa rin sasaya bulong ng puso ko Kung buhay pa ang alaala ng ating nakaraan Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin sa kanya Ang pagmamahal at panahon alay pa rin Sa kanya, sa kanya, sa kanya, hah-ooh Sa kanya.

B R O K E N

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on

Barely holding on to you
Barely holdin on to you

By LIFEHOUSE

Hold On

I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Dont ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Thingsll go your way
Hold on for one more day

You could sustain
Or are you comfortable with the pain?
Youve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin your worries pass you by
Dont you think its worth your time
To change your mind?

I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and
Break free the chains
Yeah I know that there is pain
But you hold on for one more day and you
Break free, break from the chains

Some day somebodys gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Dont you know?
Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day,
If you hold on
Can you hold on
Hold on baby
Wont you tell me now
Hold on for one more day cause
Its gonna go your way

Dont you know things can change
Thingsll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Cant you change it this time

Make up your mind
Baby hold on

Wasn't It Good

"Wasn't It Good" Tina Arena

Wouldn't you know it I've lost my courage
Isn't that funny, me lost for words
Not that it really matters, 'cause I know you know
And you would have told me yourself if you could

Remember the first time, we met each other
You were in your world and I was in mine
Breaking down the barriers, we broke all the rules
But wasn't it good, wasn't it fine
While I took for granted, you took your time
Longing for love oh how we tried
It's over now that's understood, but wasn't it good

So long together, two would be lovers
Caring for flowers that just wouldn't grow
And in all of our tomorrows, we'll have yesterday
And wasn't it good, wasn't it fine
While I took for granted, you took your time
Longing for love, oh how we tried
It's over now that's understood

But wasn't it good